Generosity.

Because it’s a blessing. It keeps the world spinning in the right direction, plants smiles on faces, and spreads positivity. When someone does something out of the kindness of their heart, it creates a chain reaction of hope, and makes people believe that life isn’t so bad. Even when they once thought it was. We all have generosity in us, but it sometimes takes that strong person to step forward and show it before others do the same. When people help people, it’s truly a beautiful thing.

Today was one of those days when I opened my eyes and wished it was already tomorrow. It’s not that it was a bad day, it was just long and monotonous and all I wanted to do was sleep. But, during chorus practice, that all changed. I was sitting in my chair all alone, since my friend had other commitments and couldn’t join me, when our pianist’s assistant walked in carrying two huge trays of—wait for it—WHOOPIE PIES! Memories of my mom came to my mind when I saw them, of her slaving long into the night and always letting me lick the spoon. She’d always tell me stories of how her mother baked all the time, especially her famous Stacy family whoopie pies. My mom would come home every day from school with a freshly baked treat waiting for her, and it became a bond between them. It’s what made my mom want to bake, and what drove her to digging up that famous Stacy family whoopie pie recipe that she now swears by. Whenever we talk about her mom, baking always comes up. Which is funny since baking is the first thing I associate with my mom. Lots of my childhood memories are of her baking me cookies, birthday cakes, or her sacred brownies that could convert anyone on the spot. I swear I have her sweet tooth because I cave every time I see a treat, and these whoopie pies were no exception. Seeing them made my long and tiring day seem much more worth it, though, like I had just crossed the finish line after a grueling race. I sighed a big sigh of relief and wolfed one down without even thinking twice.

They were certainly not my mother’s whoopie pies, but they were delicious all the same! I was unbelievably thankful for her generosity, because she did so much more than make a few batches of goodies. She reminded me of home, and how much I truly missed and appreciated it. She reminded me that I was almost there. She reminded me of my mother, who would probably eat a whoopie pie for every meal if she could! She spread smiles and happiness, sparked up conversations, made the room come to life. It was so interesting to watch everyone laugh and talk with mouthes full of chocolatey goodness, all marveling at its wonders. She brought us together, like one big, happy family.

So thank you assistant pianist, for your generosity. I’ll be sure to pass it on.

Lyrics.

Because when they’re right, it’s euphoric. They shake you to your core, pull at your heartstrings, and do every cliché thing they possibly can to you because they’re so real. It’s like you’re staring at a reflection of your thoughts and emotions in words you didn’t write, and it’s like somebody understands you completely. I especially like when you hear a song for the first time, then replay it a thousand times until the melodies, the harmonies, and the lyrics are engraved in your memory forever. Lyrics are comforting, soothing, true, and one of the only things that will never die. So you know they’ll always be around, whenever you need them.

Today I listened to music all day in my room, which isn’t anything out of the ordinary, and just connected spiritually with the words oozing from my headphones. While listening to my songs, I heard some lyrics that really struck home with me. 

“In all my bitterness, I ignored all that’s real and true”. 

I had to pause the song and let the words sink in. I was awestruck. I knew what the lyrics were saying, and that’s such an incredible feeling when you can connect to something on such a deep and intellectual level. It’s referring to when you’re bitter and how you tend to ignore the things around you, focusing solely on that one thing that's eating you alive until it eventually does. You let it change your entire outlook and perspective, and suddenly you’re looking at the world through tainted glass. The words were so true it hurt me; I could feel the pang in my heart. It amazed me that a line so small could have such an impact me. Right there, in that moment, I felt like I was being spoken to by the words, like I was being given a wake up call. Something was telling me to keep my head up and look over the tainted glass, not through it.

So maybe I will. It’s one of the hardest things not to give into the negative aspects of life, but I can try. Because I don’t want to ignore all that’s real and true in the world. I want to live it, with a fresh and clean perspective filled with endless possibilities. And lyrics. Lots and lots of lyrics. 

Letting Go.

Because it’s nerve wracking. And it’s the most gratifying thing in the entire world. It lets you do things you never dreamed, or things you’ve only dreamed, and it gives the world a small peek at your existence. A “Hey, I live here, too!”. It erases anxiety, makes the unknown know, turns the “what if’s?” into reality, and gives you something to be proud of. Letting go of anything is hard, but that’s what makes the reward so worth it.

Over these few days, I’ve let go of something that haunts my every move: My nervousness. The words audition, try-out, sing, and callback are surefire ways to get my heart racing and my adrenaline flowing. For some reason I’ve always been afraid of confidence, and I mentally tear down those who have it out of sheer jealousy. I tell myself I’m not good enough for that role, or for auditions, or for singing, because I let those who think they are walk all over me. And naturally they get whatever it is I’m after, because they prove they aren’t afraid to go for it. Then my self-esteem lowers even more, and I convince myself not to break from my shell again. It’s safer that way, hiding in the shadows, because nobody knows you’re there. And they can’t possibly take something from you when you have nothing to offer.

But I’m tired of living in the dark. So, when my friends said I should post a video of me singing on YouTube, that’s exactly what I did. And boy did it feel good. Not only because I was able to do something I love and share it with my friends and family, but because it inched me closer to the light. I felt the negative tension in my mind loosen with every note of the song, and I no longer cared how people perceived me. In those moments, I actually felt like I was doing something right. It’s made me happy, and seeing how happy it’s made others has made me even more happy. I’m so thankful to have the wonderful friends and family who support me in everything I do, and I’m honestly blessed. I’m glad I was able to give my support and love back to them in such a fun and rewarding way. 

My advice to anyone with a goal: Reach it. No matter where, no matter when, no matter how or why, don’t stop going for your goal until you’ve got it. Don’t let others intimidate you, don’t let your mind weigh you down, and don’t let anybody or anything tell you “No!”. Because that’s a word we use to tell someone they’re wrong. And going after your dreams is anything but.

Slam Poetry.

Because it’s stunning. And it reminds me that I’m not the only one who feels. Pain. Love. Anger. Joy. Frustration. Fear. Acceptance. Confusion. Until people thrust their raw, personal feelings out into the air for everyone to hear, it’s easy to forget that we’re all the same. Emotional. Searching for answers to things that are bigger than ourselves, bigger than the world. And realizing that there aren’t always answers, or answers that we like.

This evening, I found myself participating in my first ever poetry slam, along with a handful of other students. I was nervous, shaking, jittery. But not because I was afraid to speak in front of an audience. I was more scared to see their reactions, firsthand, as the words spilled from my lips and fell on their ears. I’ve never been able to disclose my true emotions to many people, and doing exactly that in front of a room full of strangers was intimidating. What if they judge me? What if they laugh? What if they don’t understand, and cast me off? 

But once my name was called and I was forced in front of the microphone, my poems just slipped out. I forgot about the audience, about the judges, about everything, and read like no one was watching. Before I realized what was happening it was over, and I was back in my seat. My friends complimented me, the strangers clapped for me, the other poets greeted me afterwards with warm handshakes and I’m glad I met you’s. It was exhilarating, like I was jolted in status. Like I was more than just another student. Like I meant something to someone. Though I didn’t win, the whole experience was gratifying. 

Before this, I knew seldom about Slam Poetry and the things that came part and parcel with it. I hadn’t realized an entire community of people, all willing and happy to know your name, was part of the deal. It amazes me that everyone is so accepting, even of someone who has never done it before. I enjoy feeling like a member of something larger than myself. Because it helps me remember that I’m not the only one here.

Showers.

Because they’re a good melatonin substitute at night, and a good coffee substitute in the morning. They’re relaxing, soothing, and one of the few times in the day where you’re left to your thoughts. Taken at night, you can reflect on your day and your actions, make game plans for the next day, and mentally prepare yourself for sleep. Taken in the morning, you can wake yourself up, get your mind jogging, and make a list of the things you need to do throughout the day. Not to mention the singing. Singing is a must.

Today I took a morning and a night shower, mainly because I needed to. Sometimes it just feels good to take that extra shower to cool off from a physically or mentally exhausting day. It gave me time to unwind and step back from my worries, reminding me that there’s always a tomorrow. Which means there’s always a fresh start to be made. That’s what I like about new days. Regardless of what happened the day before, a new day can carry a solution to whatever it is you need an answer to. Though it may take time and a little effort on your part, a new day can create positive change.

My extra night shower reminded me of this fact. That tomorrow, I can start over. Which is definitely, definitely a good thing.

Long Walks.

Because they do a mind good. Sometimes you just have to set your problems down and a take a journey to another place. Somewhere in the woods, somewhere with a breathtaking view, somewhere meaningful, or even just the sidewalk. The outside world can cleanse the lungs and unclog the mind of the stuffiness of real life. Even if for a small moment. It can make the difference between making irrational decisions and clearly thinking things through. Space is a required element for a healthy thought process, because it means there’s room to expand and mature.

Early this morning, a little past midnight, I made the walk from my friends’s dorm room back to mine despite it being so late. I had not planned on this walk being filled with reflection and analysis of my emotions like some of my walks are, but this one ended up being just that. I found myself digging deep into my mind for clues and answers as to what I’m doing now and what I should do in the future. Later today, I made the walk home again around midnight. My mind was quiet this time, with only a single thought. Why am I here? 

That’s a loaded question, I realize, but it came to me tonight. I don’t know, I answered. And I’m right, I don’t know. Nobody knows why they’re put here on earth, but they are. This walk made me think about everything and everyone that has ever made an impact on me, and why they changed me so. It was a long, rough walk home, needless to say. But it was one that needed to be made, for my sake and for the sake of others around me. Life is one of those topics that simply is, and no matter how often we ponder and question the existence of everything, we’re never going to be satisfied with our answers. What we should do, rather than try to figure out what it all means, is cherish it. Life is too fragile to be poked and prodded with questions. It should be accepted, loved, enjoyed, and never taken for granted. It’s something you can’t get back once it’s gone, a lesson some of us don’t learn until it’s too late.

I can’t say I love my life all the time. I don’t. Not when things aren’t okay. But taking a nice, long walk can help me remember that it will be, someday. Even during the darkest of nights.

Snow.

Because it’s beautiful. The way it drifts from the skies and coats everything in white silence. I like how it catches on branches and the tops of buildings. Then it piles up on the ground and blankets the earth with a new layer, one that melts and brings new life in the later seasons. I’ve always thought snow was like a cleansing of the world. Out with the old, in with the new.

Snow also brings a time of reflection, at least for me. I find myself retreating to the warmth of my bedroom and opting to watch the snow dance past my window instead of feeling it on my skin, leaving me alone to my thoughts. The snow has always spelled a quiet time for me, one of isolation and tranquility. I love curling up on my bed as the winter storms rage outside, letting my thoughts swirl aimlessly like snowflakes in my mind. It’s almost like a storm, an idea, an epiphany, is racing through me, like mother nature is reflecting my emotions. I’ve always felt a strong connection with myself and winter, because it’s the only time where being alone feels justified by the weather.

Today, though, the snow brought me together with friends. We bundled ourselves up tight and set out to roll a snowman from scratch. We rolled, and rolled, and rolled. We smoothed surfaces. We lifted and packed. We laughed to near tears. We gave up, once or twice or three times. Then we rolled, and rolled again. Eventually we chose to finish the snowman tomorrow, but smiled at the three large lumps we had crafted with our bare hands. Today, the snow had been a canvas for laughs and creation. Our own blank surface we could pour our energy into. It made the storm seem not so destructive. Like mother nature was gracing us with a gift.

Snow is always put in a bad light. It’s disgusting. It’s cold. It’s dangerous. But it’s also precious, and delicate, and soft. It can break a fall from the roof of a house with ease. It can be molded into anything you want. It can swaddle you if you don’t fear its icy touch. It’s something that I’ll always love, because I’ve learned to see the good it brings. Because it’s shapeable. Because it’s wonderful. Because it’s beautiful.